I find myself a little melancholy tonight and with a little soul-searching, I realize I am in mourning.
Mourning the loss of my pre-pregnancy body that will never be again. Enough said.
Mourning a diet rich in carbs, gluten, meat, high fructose corn syrup, and processed foods. I may live longer but I’m not sure it’s worth it.
Mourning the loss of my babies who have now become kids. When did that happen? Overnight? Megan, now 6 years old, has become an independent, energetic, strong-willed ball of attitude. Most days I’m in awe of her stubbornness and determination. Though she pushes my buttons faster than anyone on this planet, I pray this strong-willed character will enable her to steer her own course in life without the desire to fit in to any mold or succumb to outside influence. I look into her bright eyes with pure love and pride, but I do long for those sweet baby snuggles… those soft coos and giggles at 4:00am that brought a smile to my face… rocking her to sleep and humming her favorite lullaby every night.
And my baby will soon be four – 4 YEARS OLD!! It doesn’t seem real. Jackson has become the most charismatic, loving, curious, whirlwind of energy. I’m sure he must have been a cat in a previous life. If there is a button, he will push it. If it opens, he will open it. If it has wheels, he will ride it. If it stands still, he will climb it. Though his “why’s” get so repetitive that I am often compelled to scream, “because I said so”, I pray this natural curiosity and constant activity will develop into knowledge and a constant zest for life. His wild eyes are so alive and full of thought…and mischief. Mostly, I long for the days when I could lay him down all swaddled up in a blanket and he wouldn’t move… the days before he would crawl, walk, run, jump, and climb.
I am sure that at every stage of their lives I will look back with feelings of relief, regret, and nostalgia. I’m sure it won’t get any easier to watch the
Mourning the loss of my friends. Of course, I mourn the loss of my youth. It slips by faster every day. I miss my childhood friends and cherish high school memories. But only in my adulthood, more specifically the last 6 years, did God begin to show me the pure joy of friendship. While stationed at Cannon AFB in Clovis, NM, which most people believe to be the center of Hell on Earth, I found my true friends. I have been so very blessed to have welcomed these women, from all walks and stages of life, into my heart. What a blessing it was to have found kindred spirits with which I could share laughter, disappointment, frustrations of motherhood, faith, loss, and love. We shared playdates with our children, holidays with our families, spiritual retreats…quiet moments, very loud moments, moments we can’t forget, moments we wish we could. Rarely did a day go by that I didn’t have something to do and someone to do it with. My home was always open and often full to the brim with kids and mommies.
Now having been away for over a year now, hundreds of miles away in Florida, I find myself still trying to find my new identity. I have been very fortunate to have developed some new relationships here. I have a handful of friends for support when needed and a very small few that I trust with my children and my heart. Playdates, family get-togethers, and girl days still happen but are fewer and far between. Work and school schedules, extra curricular activities, absent spouses and the delicate balance of motherly duties often compete for time.
I miss being a social butterfly…event planner…playdate coordinator…surrogate big sister/little sister and at times, referee. I long for my daily companions. I miss my friends.
Some friends came and went. Some are still close at heart. Some are Facebook friends. Some are bonded to me forever as family. All left permanent impressions on my heart.
Maybe I’m not in mourning, maybe this is just PMS. Maybe I just need a glass of wine and some chocolate. Yep, let’s try that.
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