I don't usually dwell on the sacrifices we make as a military family. After all, I knew what I signed up for when I married the uniformed man of my dreams. We have been considerably lucky having my husband home for most birthdays, holidays and special events over the last eleven years. I consider myself very strong and independent and incredibly proud of the sacrifices my husband makes for our country. But there have been several hardships that have brought me to my knees over the years. Only God and the support of my friends and family have seen me through.
There is an unwritten "military Murphy's Law" if you will. If anything can go wrong, it will...as soon as they walk out the door. The most significant and excruciating event I have faced alone was the birth and death of our first born, Joshua. I say "alone" not because I was truly alone. I had my parents, extended family, and friends holding me up every step of the way. But my soul, my love, the father of my child, was not there with me. My husband, Nick, was at Hurlburt Field, FL for several months of training. We had been made aware of several birth defects and complications with our pregnancy and I was staying with my parents in Arkansas.
When the day came (ten weeks early), terror set in. I was truly alone in the house the day my water broke on June 13, 2005. My parents arrived soon after and off to the hospital we went. Of course, I called Nick on the way but the drive from FL to AR is at least 10 hours. A couple of hours later, after an easy delivery (physically at least) our son was born, weighing in at 3lbs 1oz. Joshua had a heart condition and was in respiratory distress. I could feel the mood in the room as they attempted to keep him alive. He lived 22 minutes and died in my arms, with a grasp on my finger. To quote a movie, "how lucky I am as a mother, that I was there when he came into this world and there when he drifted out." Of course pain immediately set in. The pain of delivery was non-existent. Only a numbness of mind and body. But the emotional toll that followed was almost unbearable The pain of losing my son. The pain of my husband absent for his birth. The pain in the realization that my husband would never hold his beautiful son while he is alive. The pain he must be feeling as he continues the long drive to meet us. As horrific as it was for me, I can't imagine the pain, devastation, and guilt he must have felt mile after mile. The longest drive of his life.
The second instance that comes to mind, although seemingly mild in comparison to the first, was the hospitalization of my son, Jackson at 8 months. Nick was TDY in Colorado Springs, CO and Jackson developed a respiratory infection and the croup. It was necessary to admit him to the hospital in Clovis, NM for treatment and observation. I will never forget my lifeless baby boy, dehydrated and wheezing, lying on the table as they attempted to start an IV. Nurse after nurse came in and stuck his little body. First his arm. Then his leg. Then his head. Then his arm again. He was so weak he could barely cry. It was heart wrenching as a mother to see my baby in that kind of misery. I stayed overnight beside him in that tiny hospital crib covered in a croup tent. Thank God for my friend, Krissa, who kept Megan for me. She was three years old at the time and my family was hours away. Only one night in the hospital, and we were released to go home. Thankfully, he recovered quickly.
The most recent gut-check moment happened just yesterday. I picked up my five year old daughter, Megan, from school and I took her and Jackson to the park to play. We weren't there five minutes when I see her body plummet to the ground followed by a scream of agony. She had fallen from the monkey bars. Death traps of playgrounds. I could tell immediately that it was broken. Now in Fort Walton Beach, FL, hours away from family, I again depend on the love and generosity of a friend. My friend, Katie, quickly took Jackson off of my hands and off to the ER we went. Nick is again TDY in Mildenhall AFB, England with no immediate way of contacting him. A message was sent through the command post and I just had to wait for a call from him. In the meantime, x-rays were done and I was informed it was a buckle fracture and that we would need to wait for an Ortho consult and cast. The next thing I know they are asking me when she has last eaten or drank anything. "That's a surgery question," I say. It has been decided that due to the angle of the break, the doctor will need to reset the bone under anesthesia. Anesthesia! My baby is only 5 years old and I'm here all by myself. What if something goes wrong? Needless to say an IV had to be started and this was when it got interesting. It took four nurses and myself to hold her down, kicking and screaming. Tears streaming down Megan's face, my face and two of the nurse's faces. She kept screaming, "I want to go home". The most heart breaking moment was in moment of calmness when she turned to me and said, "I shouldn't have asked to go to the park, Mommy. This is all my fault." Rip my heart out and stomp on it why don't you? After overhearing comments and damn near getting applause for leaving the ER, we were headed to the OR. The "10 to 20 minute" procedure took about 45 horrible minutes. My mind ran through every scenario. What if something went wrong and Nick isn't here? How do I make those kind of decisions on my own? Thankfully, all went well. We were able to speak with Nick this morning and he reassured his baby girl that everything will be okay.
Of course these instances spring to mind because they involve my children. There have been countless problems to deal with on my own. From house maintenance to unplanned expenses, loss of friends and family, and just the day to day challenge of raising small children who miss their Daddy. I have been given strength by my Father and I know with his help I can survive almost anything. I have been so very fortunate to be blessed with a loving supportive family who would be there for me at a moment's notice. I have developed friends who are more like family. Those relationships are bonded for life and their prayers and encouragement get me through when I want to give up.
My husband's service and sacrifice for his country is a source of great pride for me. I am so thankful to have a good man who steps up when called. What a great example he is to my children! My prayer today is for those military spouses alone today. For whatever trials and tribulations you are facing at the moment, may God give you a peace and the strength to face them. May you be blessed, as I have, with unending support around you. Amen.
You're amazing. I love you, friend.
ReplyDelete